![]() While walking through God’s beautiful autumn creation and gazing at it from the fourth floor of the college library reassured me of his perfection and power, I wasn’t sure about his love. The love of Jesus in redeeming me was forgotten. If he didn’t love me, I was heading for disaster in this life and in eternity. I feared that I’d never know what was wrong and end up bedridden. ![]() It didn’t seem loving for him to allow me to hope about the sleep study and then not to give me any idea about where I should go to find a diagnosis. I knew I surely didn’t deserve his help, after all I was doubting and criticizing him.įor the next two days, anger at God darkened my thoughts. I asked whether God really was perfect, really cared about me, and really would help me through this. My head felt pressurized from trying to control my crying and streaming snot. I grabbed the box of tissues out of the bathroom, blew my nose, and grabbed my journal to vent by writing all the questions I wanted answered. I knew I’d regret that anger later, so I tried a different tack. I felt my frustration with the lack of a diagnosis. plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). How is this going to be good for me? I was thinking of a usually comforting Bible verse framed in my bedroom at home: “For I know the plans I have for you. The news was not good: the sleep study results had been negative. They could not find the cause. He passed along the results of a sleep study I’d had at the University of Michigan hospital. The sleep technicians had initially had a difficult time assessing my breathing with their equipment. My hopes soared maybe sleep apnea was the cause of a host of debilitating symptoms I’d developed two years earlier, at age 19. I have been experiencing crushing and gradually worsening physical and cognitive exhaustion. It threatened my pursuit of a degree in English and of a career in publishing, possibly even Christian publishing. I’d just received a brief phone call from my dad. Holding them in seemed like a poor way to spend the energy I had left. ![]() I sat on my bed in my college-town apartment and let the tears loose. Why are you letting this happen to me, God? A woman’s trust in God’s plan for her is challenged by a difficult-to-diagnose disease.
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